When the past keeps showing up in your relationship
Many of the couples who come to me do not think of themselves as struggling with trauma. In fact, many would say their childhood was difficult, but "it is what it is." Some describe themselves as stronger because of what they went through. Others do not think of their experiences as traumatic at all.
What they do notice is that certain struggles keep showing up in their relationships. Trust feels fragile. Conflict escalates quickly. Anger feels bigger than they want it to. Closeness can feel uncomfortable. The same arguments happen over and over despite their best efforts to change them.
Others know exactly where their reactions come from. They recognize how past experiences show up in their relationships, but still find themselves falling into old habits of protection, communication, and conflict. They understand the pattern, yet feel stuck repeating it.
Whether you call it trauma, a difficult family history, or simply painful life experiences, the relationships we grow up around often shape what we expect from love, conflict, trust, vulnerability, and connection.
They teach us whether it is safe to depend on other people. Whether vulnerability brings closeness or gets used against us. Whether conflict can be worked through or should be avoided. Whether our needs matter. Whether people are trustworthy. And whether problems are solved together or carried alone.
Those lessons do not disappear when we become adults. They often follow us into our romantic relationships, influencing how we respond to conflict, intimacy, trust, and emotional closeness.
Maybe you grew up around chronic conflict, emotional neglect, substance use, emotional distance, unpredictability, or relationships that felt confusing and unsafe.
The skills that help us survive chaotic, painful, or unpredictable environments are not always the same skills that help us build close, secure, and connected relationships.
Staying hypervigilant may have once helped you avoid getting hurt. Anger may have helped you protect yourself. Self-reliance may have helped you survive when others could not be counted on. Shutting down may have helped you avoid conflict that felt dangerous.
But those same coping skills can create distance, misunderstanding, and disconnection when they continue to shape how we respond to the people we love most.
When the Past Keeps Showing Up in Your Relationship
Small disagreements quickly become much bigger than either of you intended
One or both of you struggle with anger, defensiveness, emotional flooding, or shutting down during conflict
You leave arguments wondering why you reacted so strongly
The same arguments keep happening, even when both of you genuinely want things to change
You are constantly scanning for signs that something is wrong in the relationship
Trust feels fragile, even when your partner is trying
You struggle to depend on others because depending on people never felt safe growing up
You find yourself repeating relationship patterns you swore you would never repeat
You sometimes wonder whether healthy relationships are actually possible for you
Does any of this sound familiar?
I believe trauma-informed couples therapy requires a balance that is easy to miss. We cannot ignore the influence of past relationships, but we also cannot assume every relationship problem is caused by childhood experiences alone.
Good couples therapy pays attention to both. It focuses on the relationship happening in the present while also helping you understand the relationship patterns, expectations, and coping skills that once kept you safe but may no longer be serving the relationship you want today.
I have advanced training in evidence-based trauma treatments and have spent my career working with people affected by domestic violence, sexual assault, emotional neglect, family conflict, substance use, chronic instability, financial and housing insecurity, racism, and other enduring forms of trauma and oppression.
Understanding a pattern is important, but insight alone rarely creates change. Part of our work is helping both partners recognize when old fears and coping strategies are showing up in the relationship and creating opportunities to respond differently.
Over time, those new experiences can challenge old expectations about relationships and help create greater trust, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy.
A social justice-informed approach
My work is trauma-informed and grounded in a social justice perspective. I recognize that people are shaped not only by their families, but also by the communities, cultures, and systems they move through. Experiences of racism, sexism, heterosexism, transphobia, poverty, discrimination, immigration-related stress, and other forms of marginalization can profoundly affect how people experience safety, trust, belonging, and connection.
These experiences are not side considerations. They are part of the context people bring into relationships, and they deserve thoughtful attention in the therapy room.
My approach
You are trying to build a healthier relationship than the one you witnessed growing up
You recognize that past experiences may be affecting your relationship today
You feel stuck in recurring cycles of conflict, distance, misunderstanding, or anger
One or both of you grew up around substance use, chronic conflict, emotional neglect, or instability
You want more than communication tips -- you want to understand why the same patterns keep happening
You want to stop reacting from old fears and start responding to what is actually happening in your relationship
You are looking for couples therapy that addresses both the past and the present