Why I Do What I Do

So often we are taught that relationships magically appear in our lives and if they are the “right” ones, they will be healthy, happy, and thriving. I don’t buy it. We have to learn how to walk, train for our jobs, read a book or two on our hobbies, and learn a million other things—-so why do we not expect a run down on relationships? Relationships are a skill, just like anything else. Relationships are built over time and take practice and, let’s be honest, some of us did not get the best examples growing up.

You may be trying to appear successful and like you have it “all together”, but deep down you are struggling to feel confident in who you are, and your relationships, and struggling to cope with the challenging emotions that come along with that. What do you think could happen to your life and relationships if you learned how to feel and express your feelings, instead of just endlessly analyzing your problems and feeling stuck? What would happen if you learned how to directly and calmly share your feelings with others? What if, instead of making stories up in your head about what folks mean by what they said, you learned how to ask them in a kind and connecting way? What if you learned how to listen, instead of just defend? What if you could be heard by your loved ones, without having to blow up in anger and “tell them how it really is”?

This is where I come in. Using trauma-informed, emotionally focused therapy, social justice principles, and a little bit of humor, I want to help you learn how to do all of those things and ditch the shame about not having it figured out in the first place. Because I have been in the place where I thought that, if I just cracked the code everyone else seems to know, maybe I would finally get it “right”. It is a lonely place to be, it sucks, and I think the truth is that we are all just trying to figure it out. I no longer want you to have to do it alone.

My Specialties

  • Trauma Recovery

    The folks I work with commonly report a desire to be close with others, but a fear, distrust, or confusion at how to actually feel close to people. This may be due to a history of betrayal in your relationships, childhood trauma like emotional, sexual, and physical abuse, and/or fears and experiences of abandonment. You may have many relationships or very few, but regardless, you often struggle to trust people genuinely care about you or believe they will show up for you. You might believe you are to blame for everything, scrambling to constantly “fix” yourself so life will finally feel better. Or you chronically feel misunderstood and dismissed by your partner and it may seem like you are putting more effort into your relationships than anyone else. It might be a bit of both. Regardless, most days aren’t as fulfilling as they could be and you are definitely tired of being stuck on this emotional rollercoaster.

  • Building Interdependent Relationships

    Do you feel like you are consistently carrying the load in your relationships? Maybe you handle all of the housework, manage everything with the kids, schedule the social plans, remind everyone about everything, and the list goes on. You may feel exhausted, unappreciated, and like you cannot count on your partner to step it up. Maybe they aren’t helping because they are struggling with depression or their own work stress, so you find yourself picking up the slack out of empathy. But ultimately, it is lonely and you are exhausted by this dynamic, despite what they are going through. Your partner may complain that you are constantly “nagging” them, that they can never get anything right, and they may resort to avoiding responsibilities all together. You know there has to be a way for things to be more equal and you just want someone to share the weight of responsibilities with, and to stop arguing about it.

  • Managing Chaotic Substance Use

    I also help clients who come to me because they are worried their substance use has gotten a bit too out of hand. People and/or your partner may be complaining that you are frequently high or drunk or you may be seemingly hiding the extent of your use from other people, but low key worried about it yourself. You may just use for fun, you may use to cope with stressful adult life, and some days you may just use as a habit. You want to explore some type of change and you know you need help. My mission is not to determine your goals for you but to help you and your loved ones figure out what you want your relationship with substances to be. I am not the therapist who will lecture you about what you should do, but rather help you to identify what you want for yourself and how to pursue that in the safest way possible for you, your community, and your loved ones.

  • Identity Exploration & Development

    I also commonly work with folks seeking to understand themselves on a deeper level, sometimes after a job loss, a break up, a death, or just a moment of awakening. I do this work with individuals and relationships. You may feel like you have been living on auto-pilot and are ready to stop people pleasing, start identifying your needs and emotions, and want to feel more fulfilled in your daily life. Perhaps you are trying to figure out how to implement boundaries without feeling endlessly guilty in your relationships. Maybe you have spent so long keeping others happy, you don’t even know if you are happy. I frequently help folks understand how society, privilege, oppression, and cultural values are shaping their worldview and their relationships and assist them in moving to a place where they are living intentionally, authentically, and with less guilt, shame, and confusion.